As I type this, the current time is 1:11 a.m. I just can’t seem to sleep tonight. I thought I was well on my way after a wonderful day with my beautiful wife, but my brain just won’t shut up. Several things are keeping me up tonight. One of those things is the fact that I watched the Scrubs musical episode today at a friend’s house. Great episode, but every time I watch it, I come away with the song “Guy Love” stuck in my head. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is usually enough to aggravate me enough to where I can’t sleep.
Next, I can’t stop thinking about other songs to add to the Magnolia Junction set list. Magnolia Junction is a new bluegrass band I’m playing guitar in. We have the potential to be very good, and have started booking some shows. In order to play these shows, however, we need to have a considerable number of songs at our disposal that we can play at the drop of a hat. Needless to say, we’re not quite there yet. I have no doubt that we’ll get where we need to be in short order.
Then there was a conversation between Lora, Neil, and myself earlier today. I think this may be the thing that’s playing the largest part in keeping me up tonight. As we were talking about different possibilities when Lora gets her teaching certification, we started talking about all the hours required to minor in a certain subject. I made the joke that considering all the times I’ve had to take and re-take music theory, I should be certified to teach it by now. I mentioned how many years of choir and band I had taken while in college (I still haven’t graduated), and that I could probably teach a course in either one. Then came the question I wasn’t expecting. Neil asked me why I am not directing music in a church. (Insert punch to the gut here)
It is kind of a long story, but the short version is that I sort of left that realm a long time ago. Through various events in my life, I have done it to myself. I don’t think it is something that I intended to do, but it has happened. I’ve had the privilege to serve in a number of churches in the pine belt area, mainly as an interim or supply music director. Each time, however, it seems like I have been essentially run off from the church. I don’t know why, but that’s what it seems like to me. Each time, I find myself backsliding to new lows in my life. Either I’ll start drinking a little bit more, start cursing more, or find other ways to seemingly cope with the hurt that is inflicted when a group of people, particularly a body of believers, seems to turn their back on you.
I enjoy playing music in small bars, clubs, and festivals. I always have. Many churches frown on this sort of activity, especially when it comes from their ministerial staff. I personally don’t see anything wrong with the music I write and play, but I can see where some people don’t call it Christian music. Most of the cover songs I play are nowhere near being considered Christian music. That’s ok with me. I still consider it to be good music because it strikes a chord with the soul when it is played right. That’s what I love about music.
There are times in the life of someone called into ministry, like myself, that you don’t feel worthy of ministering to other people. In fact, you feel like you really need to be ministered to. Some people don’t get that. Personally, I don’t know that I’m at a place in my life where I feel like I can be used to minister to anybody. I could very possibly be wrong about that. I just know what I feel, and how things look to me. Believe me, I don’t doubt God’s sovereignty one bit. There is nothing He cannot do. He could very easily use me in a way that I don’t understand. It has happened before, and it could happen again. Would I like to be leading a congregation in worship? Yes, I would like that very much. Do I feel like I am worthy of that? Not in a million years. Who knows, somebody may call me up tomorrow and ask if I want to come and lead a church in worship. I doubt it, but it could happen. If it did, what would my answer be? I honestly don’t know.
I feel like this writing has been coming for a couple of days, now. Just the other day, I found myself playing an old song written by a former band mate when I was in high school. The song is called “How Do I Believe”, and it centers around someone seemingly battling with depression, and questioning his faith. The bridge of the song says “if You were to test my faithfulness, do you think I’d pass”. If I was completely honest, I probably wouldn’t pass that kind of test. Does that mean that God cannot use me? Absolutely not. God can do anything He wants to do. I guess it’s just up to us to allow Him to do His work through us.
Clearly, this is what has kept me up tonight. I don’t know why that conversation and question have been weighing on my mind all night, and I don’t know how typing all this out is going to help me go to sleep. All I know is that I really felt like I needed to get this out of my head and down on some paper. Sometimes writing can be the thing that heals relationships and emotions at the same time. It can also help to put one’s mind at ease. I probably still won’t be able to sleep when I finish typing this, but I guess I will try it again. Maybe I’ll go back and read this one day and find even more clarity than I found when I originally wrote this. I hope so.
Time of completion: 1:49 a.m.
