As I type this, the current time is 1:11 a.m. I just can’t seem to sleep tonight. I thought I was well on my way after a wonderful day with my beautiful wife, but my brain just won’t shut up. Several things are keeping me up tonight. One of those things is the fact that I watched the Scrubs musical episode today at a friend’s house. Great episode, but every time I watch it, I come away with the song “Guy Love” stuck in my head. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it is usually enough to aggravate me enough to where I can’t sleep.
Next, I can’t stop thinking about other songs to add to the Magnolia Junction set list. Magnolia Junction is a new bluegrass band I’m playing guitar in. We have the potential to be very good, and have started booking some shows. In order to play these shows, however, we need to have a considerable number of songs at our disposal that we can play at the drop of a hat. Needless to say, we’re not quite there yet. I have no doubt that we’ll get where we need to be in short order.
Then there was a conversation between Lora, Neil, and myself earlier today. I think this may be the thing that’s playing the largest part in keeping me up tonight. As we were talking about different possibilities when Lora gets her teaching certification, we started talking about all the hours required to minor in a certain subject. I made the joke that considering all the times I’ve had to take and re-take music theory, I should be certified to teach it by now. I mentioned how many years of choir and band I had taken while in college (I still haven’t graduated), and that I could probably teach a course in either one. Then came the question I wasn’t expecting. Neil asked me why I am not directing music in a church. (Insert punch to the gut here)
It is kind of a long story, but the short version is that I sort of left that realm a long time ago. Through various events in my life, I have done it to myself. I don’t think it is something that I intended to do, but it has happened. I’ve had the privilege to serve in a number of churches in the pine belt area, mainly as an interim or supply music director. Each time, however, it seems like I have been essentially run off from the church. I don’t know why, but that’s what it seems like to me. Each time, I find myself backsliding to new lows in my life. Either I’ll start drinking a little bit more, start cursing more, or find other ways to seemingly cope with the hurt that is inflicted when a group of people, particularly a body of believers, seems to turn their back on you.
I enjoy playing music in small bars, clubs, and festivals. I always have. Many churches frown on this sort of activity, especially when it comes from their ministerial staff. I personally don’t see anything wrong with the music I write and play, but I can see where some people don’t call it Christian music. Most of the cover songs I play are nowhere near being considered Christian music. That’s ok with me. I still consider it to be good music because it strikes a chord with the soul when it is played right. That’s what I love about music.
There are times in the life of someone called into ministry, like myself, that you don’t feel worthy of ministering to other people. In fact, you feel like you really need to be ministered to. Some people don’t get that. Personally, I don’t know that I’m at a place in my life where I feel like I can be used to minister to anybody. I could very possibly be wrong about that. I just know what I feel, and how things look to me. Believe me, I don’t doubt God’s sovereignty one bit. There is nothing He cannot do. He could very easily use me in a way that I don’t understand. It has happened before, and it could happen again. Would I like to be leading a congregation in worship? Yes, I would like that very much. Do I feel like I am worthy of that? Not in a million years. Who knows, somebody may call me up tomorrow and ask if I want to come and lead a church in worship. I doubt it, but it could happen. If it did, what would my answer be? I honestly don’t know.
I feel like this writing has been coming for a couple of days, now. Just the other day, I found myself playing an old song written by a former band mate when I was in high school. The song is called “How Do I Believe”, and it centers around someone seemingly battling with depression, and questioning his faith. The bridge of the song says “if You were to test my faithfulness, do you think I’d pass”. If I was completely honest, I probably wouldn’t pass that kind of test. Does that mean that God cannot use me? Absolutely not. God can do anything He wants to do. I guess it’s just up to us to allow Him to do His work through us.
Clearly, this is what has kept me up tonight. I don’t know why that conversation and question have been weighing on my mind all night, and I don’t know how typing all this out is going to help me go to sleep. All I know is that I really felt like I needed to get this out of my head and down on some paper. Sometimes writing can be the thing that heals relationships and emotions at the same time. It can also help to put one’s mind at ease. I probably still won’t be able to sleep when I finish typing this, but I guess I will try it again. Maybe I’ll go back and read this one day and find even more clarity than I found when I originally wrote this. I hope so.
Time of completion: 1:49 a.m.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
A Quick Note Re: "The Patient in Room 141"
During my time as a patient at Pine Grove, I made the decision to write my thoughts and be very candid about what I was thinking. Part of my healing process is putting this stuff in a format that I feel like I can possibly help other people that may be going through the same type of thing. I promised to not divulge too much information about the individuals I met. There have only been two people whose names I have listed in the blog to this point. I have not listed any last names, and I don't remember if I list anybody else by name. Honestly, it is very late right now and I don't have the patience to go through the rest of the entries to check.
The other thing I want to address is that you may see some skipping between journal entries. For example, entries #7, 8, and 10 will probably not end up on the blog. Mainly because I talk about people very close to me, and I don't think it is fair to these people that I cast them in a negative light. It was never my intention to speak of anybody negatively, but I was being candid about my thoughts. For this reason, the aforementioned entries will most likely not be seen online. If I ever do complete the book version of my experience, however, they will be included there.
The other thing I want to address is that you may see some skipping between journal entries. For example, entries #7, 8, and 10 will probably not end up on the blog. Mainly because I talk about people very close to me, and I don't think it is fair to these people that I cast them in a negative light. It was never my intention to speak of anybody negatively, but I was being candid about my thoughts. For this reason, the aforementioned entries will most likely not be seen online. If I ever do complete the book version of my experience, however, they will be included there.
Journal Entry #6
I think I've been judgmental about being here. I look at some of the people here, and I think "how am I in the same category as them?".
The truth is, we're all here for different reasons. Mike is here because he beat a guy up while at the ER.
Not everybody is in the same boat. I'm starting to appreciate that more.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
The truth is, we're all here for different reasons. Mike is here because he beat a guy up while at the ER.
Not everybody is in the same boat. I'm starting to appreciate that more.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
Journal Entry #5
I just had a long conversation with my nurse, Patricia. It seems like she needed it more than me. She opened up about her family life and the losses she's been through. It was amazing to me that she felt like she could trust me enough to share that with me.
People everywhere are hurting. Not just me. I'm starting to understand that.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
People everywhere are hurting. Not just me. I'm starting to understand that.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
Journal Entry #4
Today marks an important day in Broadcasting. It is Dubbie White's last day at WDAM. I hate I am missing it.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
Journal Entry #3
It was nice to get to eat breakfast in the cafeteria. I have to admit it was a little uncomfortable seeing two people I know when I was in there. One I went to high school with, and knew she worked there. The other is the daughter of someone I work with. I didn't know she worked here.
Maybe it was the embarrassment factor. I don't know.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
Maybe it was the embarrassment factor. I don't know.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Journal Entry #2
4:45am. Med time. This is when they come check your temp and blood pressure, then tell you to go see the "med-nurse" to get your pills. This is also about 2 hours before breakfast. Well, I guess it will be ok. At least today I'll get to go to the cafeteria to eat instead of getting a pre-made styrofoam tray of luke-warm mess. That's what the "lock-up" side gets. About 2 hours til breakfast. Think I'll try to go to sleep.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-31-12
Journal Entry #1
It started at 8:25 pm on January 29. Sunday, I went to the ER to talk to someone about the depression I was feeling. By 4am, I was on a cot in the hallway of the "lockdown" section at Pine Grove.
One day later, I'm in my own room after being doused with coke by a crazy guy and I have a crayon to write with.... It's the little things, really.
So, why am I here? How did I get here? We'll try to find these answers in the coming days. For now, I'll sleep.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-30-2011
(A side note, I actually wrote 2011 on my first journal entry. I knew it was 2012, but I was so used to writing 2011 and was so out of it that I messed up.)
One day later, I'm in my own room after being doused with coke by a crazy guy and I have a crayon to write with.... It's the little things, really.
So, why am I here? How did I get here? We'll try to find these answers in the coming days. For now, I'll sleep.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
1-30-2011
(A side note, I actually wrote 2011 on my first journal entry. I knew it was 2012, but I was so used to writing 2011 and was so out of it that I messed up.)
Spades and Dominoes
Sometimes life gets so overwhelming that you have no idea what to do. At this point, when all seems lost, you begin to have serious thoughts of taking drastic steps to either alter or end life as you know it. Maybe not for everyone, but this was the case for me. On a Sunday night in late January, I had what would be considered a total mental breakdown. I felt such a sense of loss, and saw no hope of how to get the things back I had lost. Some things are gone for good. Others I'm slowly working to get back. I had serious thoughts of running my car off a bridge. I'm not talking about any little bridge. I was gonna make it count.
When I realized and completely understood the thoughts I had, I knew something had to change. What I didn't know, however, was how to change it. I needed answers to questions I didn't even know I had. I needed someone to talk to. I checked myself into Pine Grove, a psychiatric hospital in Hattiesburg. I know that seems extreme to many people. Believe me, it was. There are things that I saw and experienced that I didn't even realize were happening in the world around us. Most importantly, however, I was able to get the help and perspective that I really needed.
While I was a patient there, I found myself writing more than talking. Even though I only had a crayon to express my thoughts on paper, I found it very healing. It made me realize that while I had problems, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could be. I won't name names or give accurate specifics, but there were people I met that had alcohol, drug, and sex addictions. Every one of them had severe depression associated with their addictions. There were people that were completely out of their mind. While it was frustrating to deal with these people, I came away with the understanding that even though people have problems.... they are essentially good at their core.
Some of the best healing happened in our free time. Some people put together puzzles. These people were ultimately frustrated at the end because there were always one to two missing pieces. Others would play games or watch tv. Personally, I found great comfort and healing by playing spades and dominoes. It was in playing these games that I was able to actually relate to some of the people around me. I always knew I was a good listener, but I never realized how much people need to have someone to listen to them. I made connections with people I may never see again. Even so, I think we'll probably always be connected.
The first day I found myself asking "why am I here?" and "how did I get here?". I also found a reality that there is an unjust stigma attached with being a patient in that kind of facility. There were some very uncomfortable moments when I would see someone from my past that works there. It was weird, but by the end of the week, I was beginning to realize it didn't matter what other people think as long as I was getting the help that I needed.
I know this is probably a lot of information that nobody really wants or needs to read. I just felt like I needed to get it out. In the coming days and weeks, I will be publishing some of my writings from when I was a patient at Pine Grove. Most of these are very personal. None of them will include names and specific illnesses. Many of the people described in my writings already know I'm planning to publish them in book form. You can either read or just ignore. That's up to you. I just feel like the healing process for me includes writing my experiences and thoughts. I also think maybe by someone reading them I can help somebody in their own personal struggles.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
When I realized and completely understood the thoughts I had, I knew something had to change. What I didn't know, however, was how to change it. I needed answers to questions I didn't even know I had. I needed someone to talk to. I checked myself into Pine Grove, a psychiatric hospital in Hattiesburg. I know that seems extreme to many people. Believe me, it was. There are things that I saw and experienced that I didn't even realize were happening in the world around us. Most importantly, however, I was able to get the help and perspective that I really needed.
While I was a patient there, I found myself writing more than talking. Even though I only had a crayon to express my thoughts on paper, I found it very healing. It made me realize that while I had problems, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could be. I won't name names or give accurate specifics, but there were people I met that had alcohol, drug, and sex addictions. Every one of them had severe depression associated with their addictions. There were people that were completely out of their mind. While it was frustrating to deal with these people, I came away with the understanding that even though people have problems.... they are essentially good at their core.
Some of the best healing happened in our free time. Some people put together puzzles. These people were ultimately frustrated at the end because there were always one to two missing pieces. Others would play games or watch tv. Personally, I found great comfort and healing by playing spades and dominoes. It was in playing these games that I was able to actually relate to some of the people around me. I always knew I was a good listener, but I never realized how much people need to have someone to listen to them. I made connections with people I may never see again. Even so, I think we'll probably always be connected.
The first day I found myself asking "why am I here?" and "how did I get here?". I also found a reality that there is an unjust stigma attached with being a patient in that kind of facility. There were some very uncomfortable moments when I would see someone from my past that works there. It was weird, but by the end of the week, I was beginning to realize it didn't matter what other people think as long as I was getting the help that I needed.
I know this is probably a lot of information that nobody really wants or needs to read. I just felt like I needed to get it out. In the coming days and weeks, I will be publishing some of my writings from when I was a patient at Pine Grove. Most of these are very personal. None of them will include names and specific illnesses. Many of the people described in my writings already know I'm planning to publish them in book form. You can either read or just ignore. That's up to you. I just feel like the healing process for me includes writing my experiences and thoughts. I also think maybe by someone reading them I can help somebody in their own personal struggles.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
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