Sometimes life gets so overwhelming that you have no idea what to do. At this point, when all seems lost, you begin to have serious thoughts of taking drastic steps to either alter or end life as you know it. Maybe not for everyone, but this was the case for me. On a Sunday night in late January, I had what would be considered a total mental breakdown. I felt such a sense of loss, and saw no hope of how to get the things back I had lost. Some things are gone for good. Others I'm slowly working to get back. I had serious thoughts of running my car off a bridge. I'm not talking about any little bridge. I was gonna make it count.
When I realized and completely understood the thoughts I had, I knew something had to change. What I didn't know, however, was how to change it. I needed answers to questions I didn't even know I had. I needed someone to talk to. I checked myself into Pine Grove, a psychiatric hospital in Hattiesburg. I know that seems extreme to many people. Believe me, it was. There are things that I saw and experienced that I didn't even realize were happening in the world around us. Most importantly, however, I was able to get the help and perspective that I really needed.
While I was a patient there, I found myself writing more than talking. Even though I only had a crayon to express my thoughts on paper, I found it very healing. It made me realize that while I had problems, it wasn't nearly as bad as it could be. I won't name names or give accurate specifics, but there were people I met that had alcohol, drug, and sex addictions. Every one of them had severe depression associated with their addictions. There were people that were completely out of their mind. While it was frustrating to deal with these people, I came away with the understanding that even though people have problems.... they are essentially good at their core.
Some of the best healing happened in our free time. Some people put together puzzles. These people were ultimately frustrated at the end because there were always one to two missing pieces. Others would play games or watch tv. Personally, I found great comfort and healing by playing spades and dominoes. It was in playing these games that I was able to actually relate to some of the people around me. I always knew I was a good listener, but I never realized how much people need to have someone to listen to them. I made connections with people I may never see again. Even so, I think we'll probably always be connected.
The first day I found myself asking "why am I here?" and "how did I get here?". I also found a reality that there is an unjust stigma attached with being a patient in that kind of facility. There were some very uncomfortable moments when I would see someone from my past that works there. It was weird, but by the end of the week, I was beginning to realize it didn't matter what other people think as long as I was getting the help that I needed.
I know this is probably a lot of information that nobody really wants or needs to read. I just felt like I needed to get it out. In the coming days and weeks, I will be publishing some of my writings from when I was a patient at Pine Grove. Most of these are very personal. None of them will include names and specific illnesses. Many of the people described in my writings already know I'm planning to publish them in book form. You can either read or just ignore. That's up to you. I just feel like the healing process for me includes writing my experiences and thoughts. I also think maybe by someone reading them I can help somebody in their own personal struggles.
Cordially,
The Patient in Room 141
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